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LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:44 am
by The_abbott
Heres a sample of my work: This is pure fiction and sees the Lost characters in the real world

Epsiode 1: Toast

Charlie: Morning Claire Claire, I feel fresh as a daisy

Claire: Morning Charlay would you like some toast?

Charlie: I'd love some toast Claire Claire but let me make it.

Claire: Its okay Charlay I can manage

Charlie: Yes but I don't want you to burn yourself Claire Claire. Its a mans job

Claire: I'll find one then shall I?

Charlie: Excuse me Claire Claire but I'm in a bloody band you don't get any more macho then that

Claire: I'll feed Air-on then

Charlie: WHAT? You woke Aaron?

Claire: Yes its 10am

Charlie: Oh he'll be up all day now and grisly give him to me

Claire: Charlay he's my baybee

Charlie: Claire Claire we have been through this whilst hes under my roof hes my property

Claire: But this is my flat Charlay!

Charlie: I'll get my own place and then Me and Aaron can move out

Claire: Have you made that toast yet?

Charlie: I have my bloody hands full Claire Claire. I can't do everything can I?

Claire: For you to do 'something' would be nice

Charlie: Okay you want sodden toast I'll make the toast (Puts Aaron down on a hot oven ring)

Claire: CHARLAY!!

Charlie: Its alright Claire Claire I got him. That was a lucky escape. You shouldn't leave oven rings on Claire Claire its dangerous.

Claire: Let me do the toast

Charlie: oh sod the bloody toast, I'm going off to the pub.

Part 2: The pub Jack is the pub landlord

Charlie walks into the pub

Charlie: Pint please Jack

jack: One pint coming up Charlie *pulls lever* Oh I'm having problems pulling at the moment

Charlie: I'm a bloody expert Jack, you should come to me. I mean I pulled Claire Claire

Jack: no the lever is stuck

Charlie: Thats leever in this country Jack, none of this American mumbo jumbo

Jack: I split with Kate last night

Charlie: oh thats good news Jacko she was always a rotten apple

Jack: no she left me and she jumped in bed with Sawyer

Charlie: You were having a threesome?

Jack: no Charlie she left my place to go to Sawyers but I think she''s been seeing him for some time

Charlie: Yeah about 2 years now

Jack: What you knew?

Charlie: I erm...

Jack: thanks alot CHarlie

Charlie: Hey its not bloody easy being me you know. I got a wife and kid to feed

Jack: You and Claire got married?

Charlie: well technically, no but were practically there now.

Jack: Charlie are you forgetting something?

Charlie: Wha? oh have one yourslf Jack

Jack: Thanks I thought you'd never ask *pulls a scotch and downs it then has another...and another*

Charlie: Hey go easy Jack

Jack: Did I mention whats been getting me so down?

Charlie: What you mean the Kate dumping you story?

Jack: No Charlie...my father passed away not long ago

Charlie: oh thats rotten luck, first your father kicks the bucket then your girlfriend ditches you. Must be tough

*Jack weeps*

Jack: Yeah....but I got a hold of things

Charlie: Is that the time, I better get back Claire Claire will be expecting Aaron and I back

Jack: You brought Aaron into a pub?

Charlie: Well I couldn't leave him behind who knows what Claire Claire would do to him. Drink up Aaron *Charlie pours the beer down Aarons throat*

Part 3 Peas

*Charlie is carrying Aaron and the shopping back to the flat. Hurley sees him approaching*

Hurley: Dude whats with the baby?

Charlie: This is my son Aaron

Hurley Duuuuuddddee. Thats like awesome (not sure how Hurley became Bill and Ted but never mind!) so you like carried him all the way?

Charlie: Yeah all the way from bloody Tesco. They had a sale

Hurley: They are like selling babies now?

Charlie: well I had to get some food

Hurley: Your going to like, eat the baby?

Charlie: No Hurl, I took Aaron to Tesco with me

Hurley: To try and get rid of him in the sale?

Claire: Charlay there you are I was worried

Charlie: No need to worry about me Claire Claire!

Claire: no not you, I was worried about Aaron

Charlie: oh hes fine aren't you Aaron. I'll finish building that cot this afternoon

Claire: You never even started Charlay

Charlie: well I've been busy Claire Claire. Your lucky you got me. other mothers have to work.

Claire: well never mind because John built a cot from some old wood in the shed

Charlie: You let John Locke near my son?

Claire: Hes my baybee Charlay

*Charlie glares over to Locke's flat and sees Locke in the window grnning like a cheshire cat*

Charlie: I'll wipe that smile of his bloody face *throws a tin of peas at Locke put it hits the window of next door*

Charlie: oh.....

*Sayid comes out of his flat with a machete*

Sayid: What is this? *hands Charlie his tin of peas*

Charlie; Its a tin of peas

Sayid: And what were they doing smashing through the window?

Charlie: Have you asked them?

Sayid: Do you think I am finding this funny?

Charlie: Absolutely not Sayeed.

Sayid: Then why throw a tin of peas into my flat window?

Charlie: I wanted them mushy.

Locke: Maybe I can help. They were meant for me Si-eed. I asked Charlie to throw me some peas

Sayid: Is that what happened?

CHarlie: eh..yeah.

Sayid: Okay, I will let this go but you will pay for that window to be repaired

Charlie: Well actually Sayeed, I'm fairly good at replacing windows.

Sayid: Then you can fix it *walks off*

Claire: Charlay whens the last time you fixed a window?

Charlie: Including this one....once. Well it can't be that bloody hard can it?

*locke rubs his forehead*

Locke: Charlie, don't get on Si-eed's bad side.

Claire: Give Air-on to me I don't want you throwing him through a window!

Charlie: I'm not loopy Claire Claire. I can take care of Aaron and the shopping.

*inside*

Claire: There you go charlay, your dinner

Charlie: Thanks Claire Claire. I'll get started on Sayeed's window tomorrow. I'll take Aaron to school first

Claire: Charlay, Aaron is only 3 weeks old. You can't take him to school yet

Charlie: Oh right.

Claire: Tell me thats not were you send Airon today?

Charlie: er....no course not Claire. That would be stupid

Claire: Where is Airon anyway?

Charlie: Oh I put him away in the cupboard along with the shopping

Claire: CHARLAY!

TBC

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2008 3:06 pm
by Aphlix
ROFL XD

That was great :lol:

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2008 4:51 pm
by The_abbott
Thanks Aphlix

Part 4: Christmas Dinner

*Charlay and Claire Claire have invited friends over for X-mas dinner*

Claire: Are you sure you have it all covered Charley

Charlie: You know me Claire Claire, I'm a dab hand in the kitchen

Locke: Why thankyou for the invite Claire *grins*

Claire: Well you did make the cot...and fix the cupboard and put in a new bath tub and kitchen and washed the car and fixed the roof

Charlie: Wha? I was going to do all that Claire Claire

Locke: It was no trouble Charlie, I had a spare day on my hands. Oh I brought something to go with dinner

Charlie: A bottle of champers?

Locke: no its my special receipe *hand over a pot of paste *

Claire: It looks delighful thankyou John

Charlie: yeah tar *snarls at Locke*

Sayid: Is this a peace offering?

Charlie: say what Sayeed?

Sayid: Inviting me over here

Charlie: I just thought that its better then sitting on your own for christmas Sayeed. What did you have planned?

Sayid: Actually I was hoping Nadia would come around she is the only girl for me

Charlie: Except Shannon ah? *wink* oh and that Ana Lucia ah? *Winks again*

Sayid: There is nothing going on between me and Ana Lucia I can assure you of that. I wanted her to get my cat out from a tree and she shot it.

*Ana strolls in *

Ana: Well it came down didn't it!

Sayid: That is not what I meant.

Ana: Tough, who's making dinner around here I'm hungry

Charlie: oh its cooking nicely

Locke: Must say something smells good!

Ana: Well it ain't the turkey.... because thats on the side over there *points to cold Turkey on side*

Claire: Charlay!

Charlie: Easy mistake to make Claire Claire no harm done. I must have put Aaron in the cooker instead by mistake thats all

Claire: AIR-ON!!!! MY BAYBEE!!!

*Locke opens the cooker and grabs a flaming baby*

Charlie: oh…bol….

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 12:30 pm
by Adam
LOL This is sheer genius! Great stuff :D

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 3:04 am
by PRETTYBUTT
poor aaron! pls continue

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 1:11 pm
by The_abbott
Thanks guys I'll get the next few parts up.

I'm afraid Aaron is in for a few more close shaves with Charlie looking after him. :lol:

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 1:28 pm
by The_abbott
Part 6: Death

*Jack leaves the kitchen wiping his hands on a tea towel his eyes watering*

Claire: Jack?

Jack: I did everything I could

Clare: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Charlie: Didn't you at least try?

Jack: Yes Charlie I did *sobs* I even chainsawed it in half but I could not revive it

Claire: NOOOOOOO

Charlie: Come here Clare Claire

Claire: Wha? - You KILLED my Baybee!

Jack: Aaron? oh no hes fine.

Claire: Wha?

Jack: But...the cooker never made it

Charlie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Claire: oh thankkgod *Locke brings Aaron in and passes him to Claire*

Locke: Just a scratch

Charlie: How can you be so bloody calm, think of the cooker!

Sayid: Maybe I can take a look at it for you

Charlie: That'll be excellent Sayeed.

Jack: Well if you don't need me I'll be off

*tumbleweed*

Jack: Okay I'll go *walks off lonely and walks to the nearest pub*

Claire: Thankyou John

Charlie: What did he bloody do that I didn't?

Claire: He rescued and saved Aaron's life!

Locke: It was what any man would do

*everyone looks at Charlie*

Sayid: Maybe not every man Locke. I best be off

Charlie: What about the cooker?

Sayid: I will look at it in the morning

Charlie: You'll sodden look at it now Sayeed *grabs Sayid on the shoulder*

Sayid: Remove your arm...or I brake it *does and Sayid goes*

Charlie: hes a bloody freak.

Locke: If it helps I can stay the night

Charlie: That won't be necessary

Claire: That would be great John thanks. You can have the spare room.

Charlie: Hang on Claire Claire We don't have a spare room do we?

Claire: no John can sleep in your room and you can have the couch

Charlie: Wha? Thats not sodden fair after everything I have done Claire Claire you treat me like this. *storms off*

Locke: there there Claire, Charlie just needs time to calm down *embraces Claire*

*Charlie sees from the street and Locke winks at him*

Charlie: Bloody John Locke...things hes such a sodden hero...well..I'll show him...I'll show him all and ..*trips up on curb and smashs his face on the pavement* BUGGAR!

Part 7 the gutter

*Charlie is downing a bottle of whiskey sees a tramp in a corner of a side street*

Charlie: Jack?

Jack: Hey Charlie you in the gutter too then?

Charlie: Yeah I can play guitar

Jack: No gutter as in noone loves you, nowhere to go.

Charlie: Everyone loves me and I live with Claire Claire

Jack: Thats not what John Locke said

Charlie: Bloody Locke I'll punch his bloody lights out. Theres no way hes getting his hands on my son

Jack: You know, my father died recently and...

Charlie: ooohh its always me me me with you Jack isn't it well I've got problems too okay *walks off leaving Jack head down crying into his legs*

*Charlie spots Locke out for a walk *

Charlie: I'll follow him see where he goes.

*After 6 hours Locke comes back to Charlie's house*

Locke: You can come out now. I saw you back at the pub, and then at corner of the street. In fact, I walked in a big circle. I'm not sure how you didn't realize it.

*Charlie comes out.*

Charlie: Alright, you don't have to insult me.

Locke: You want to tell me why you've been following me, Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah. Quite simply, John, there are a lot of secrets around here, and I'm tired of being at the bloody kid's table. I got Claire's baby back. I didn't go swanning off to the Black Rock on the bloody A-Team mission, but I would have if someone had asked me. I think I'm entitled to some sodding answers around here.

Locke: What do you want to know?

Charlie: erm...well I... stay away from Claire Claire and Aaron

Locke: If thats what you want Charlie, I will do as you say

Charlie: Good!

*Next morning Charlie wakes up from couch*

Charlie: What a night, shall I feed Aaron Claire Claire

*Locke appears in his boxers*

Locke: Its okay Charlie I already fed Aaron

Charlie: You slept with my Claire Claire?

Locke: No I stayed in the spare room as we agreed

Charlie: thats my bloody room. I don't want you coming around here anymore

Locke: okay Charlie if thats what you want *goes*

Claire: Wheres John I need him to glue a piece of the cot back together

Charlie: No problamo I'll do it Claire Claire. We don't need John Locke

*30 seconds later

- Charlie's fingers are stuck together and the cot is in pieces*

Charlie: bloody hell!

Part 8: Washing

Claire: I need to go and see Father Eko so can you do the washing Charlay?

Charlie: No problamo Claire Claire.

Claire: Thanks Charlay

Charlie: and by washing you mean..?

Claire: Clothes Charlay!!!

Charlie: yeah I knew that Claire I was just testing you. Leave it to me.

Claire: The dirty clothes are in the bed and Aarons are in the cot

Charlie: Claire stop fussing I got this sorted.

*Claire leaves*

*charlie starts picking up dirty clothes and head to washing machine*

Charlie: WE ALL EVERYBODY, WE ALL EVERYBODY ..right hows this thing work then...

Locke: Do you need some help Charlie?

Charlie: Wha? No thanks Locke, I'm just putting the washing on *tries to open the door but it doesn't open tugs harder* Bloody door!

Locke: Some of these washing machines you need to give it a bit more of a pull

Charlie: I said I got it Locke okay.

Locke: Okay Charlie, if you say so. Don't forget to load the drum

Charlie: pffft shows how much you know Locke, this is a washing machine not a musical instrument

*Charlie pulls the door so hard it comes of the hinges*

Charlie: Buggar! *loads washing into the drum* right...mmm now which dial shall I use

Locke: 40 degree wash and you want a spin

Charlie: yeah I know

Locke: You are planning on putting the door back on aren't you?

Charlie: of course I am Locke I'm not bloody stupid you know

*locke goes and Charlie glues the door back on and turns the washing machine on*

Charlie: After all that work I need a sodden pint

*Charlie heads to the pub*

*2 hours later Charlie heads home sees Claire is just returning too*

Charlie: Claire Claire!!

Claire: Charlay I thought you were looking after the house and teh washing!

Charlie: all under control Claire, I even gave Aaron a wash

Claire: You gave him a bath? thats sweet Charlay!

Charlie: heck no to save time I put him in the washing machine

Claire: CHARLAY!!!! *runs to the door and opens the front door, water gashes out and the floor is soaked*

Charlie: The washing machine must have a bloody leak. you should sue the manufacturers Claire Claire

Claire: The door fell off

Charlie: Don't know how that happened *picks Aaron out of the machine drum* At least Aaron's clean ah Claire

Claire: Your USELESS Charlay. Aaron could have been killed and the floor will cost hundreds to repair.

Charlie: I'll have it under control Claire, no need to panic. A few wipes of a cloth and the floor will be good as new!

TBC

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 5:38 am
by Adam
More genius :D I love this!

Re: LOST - Charlay and Claire comedy Fiction (PG-13)

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 5:40 am
by Gus TT Showbiz
Yeah the_abbott, you got some good material here. Some of it is genius, and some of it is pure genius. :D